To Vent....

Well it's been a while since I've updated my blog.  I think I just needed a break, but now I'm feeling like I need an outlet again.  So sorry if this post is mostly venting.  It's kinda been a rough few weeks for us.  A little over two weeks ago we found out we were pregnant. It was a big surprise to us, though always welcome.  Then about five days later I started cramping and spotting.  I went into the doctor and they confirmed I was having a miscarriage.  They actually said it's what's called a chemical pregnancy, where an egg was fertilized, but didn't do anything after that.  It was hard and emotional, but was a little easier, I think, because we hadn't known very long, and also I had a strong feeling something wasn't right from the moment I started suspecting I was pregnant.  It was also easier this time around because I had my three little ones I could hug and kiss, and be thankful for, they really comforted me.  The other part of it that has been even more challenging is going off my anti-depressant.  The second I found out I was pregnant I stopped taking it. I had already weaned myself down to very little, but that last little bit has proven to be very challenging.  I started taking it three years ago after I had Ethan and suffered post partum depression.  I think it's been so challenging because I 've been on it for so long.  Emotionally I feel good, but physically it's been really rough.  At first I had such severe dizzy spells, where my heart was racing, and I felt nauseated, I had to lay down for two days straight.  Thankfully Matt was home to help or I don't know what I would have done.  Actually, I know exactly what I would have done, I would have had to call someone else for help, because I couldn't stand up, I couldn't drive to pick up my kids, or anything else.  Then after two days I started having longer and longer stretches of time where I could stand up.  It's been about three weeks now and my dizzy spells are finally starting to go away.  I still have moments where my eyes feel dizzy, if that makes any sense, but that's way better then my whole head feeling dizzy.  It's scary to realize how addicted my body was to those pills.  I'm so glad I'm finally off them, and am feeling so well emotionally.  Though, I do know that taking those pills three years ago was the right answer for me.  That was a very scary time.  But now the guilt is setting in.  I feel like I've been neglecting my kids needs over the last few weeks, and only doing the bare minimum.  I feel extra tired and grumpy, and I don't have the patience that I usally do with them.  I know my body is still trying to get back to normal, but I hate feeling this way. I just want to have all the patience in the world for my kids (and hubby).  I love them so much, they are my world.  Maybe that means I should go to bed now in hopes that I won't be so tired tomorrow, and can be a better Mama.  Thanks for listening, whoevers reading this, I love you.... Christina